Why Are We Not Taught How to Listen?
Studies show it is the communication mode we use the most.
Over the years, communication scholars have wondered which of the communication modes — listening, speaking, writing, or reading — do we spend most of our time doing. Study after study regardless of the targeted population (whether students, employees, or homemakers) show that listening is the activity which people do the most. A 2009 study conducted by Janusik and Wolvin even adjusted for use in technology and said that daily 24% of time is spent listening, 20% speaking, 13% using internet, 9% writing, and 8% is spent reading.
This begs the question: If listening is the most widely used communication mode, why are we not taught how to listen? American philosopher and educator Mortimer J. Adler wondered this in his book, How to Speak, How to Listen:
“Is anyone anywhere taught how to listen? How utterly amazing is the general assumption that the ability to listen well is a natural gift . . . How extraordinary is the fact that no effort is made anywhere in the whole educational process to help individuals learn how to listen well.”
One communication scholar has devoted her own professional time and attention to this communication mode. Lisbeth Lipari, professor at Denison University and author of Listening, Thinking, Being: Towards an Ethic of Attunement, says in one of her articles that she seeks “to explore the possibilities that arise when listening…is placed at the conceptual center of communication.”
Lipari notes that Western influence has a visual dominance that extends to our communication, leading us to leave out the concept of listening. Listening itself often arises from a point of speech, rather than an awareness and focus upon the other person.
She encourages “listening otherwise,” a method of listening that seeks to move past a self-focused approach and discusses “interlistening,” a perspective that acknowledges the multiple dimensions and senses that converge in this communication activity, from perceived roles and characters to nonverbal actions, to factors from the past, present, and future to what is heard or thought. In summary, her work unpacks the complexity of listening and proposes that it is a way of living ethically by being aware of oneself, others, and the surrounding world.
While this communication concept deserves a deeper dive than this article, there are some tangible skills that can be taught. In Together: Communicating Interpersonally Stewart, Zediker, and Witteborn dedicate a chapter on listening that outlines six empathetic listening skills to put into practice.
Six Practices for Empathetic Listening
1 — Respond when appropriate with “pulling” questions
Ask “Say more,” or “Keep talking” or “Could you elaborate?”
2 — Encourage the speaker by “mirroring”
Repeat a word or phrase with an expression and tone of curiosity to encourage an example or elaboration.
3 — Use clarifying questions
Ask “Do you mean …?” or “When you say…” or ask directly how the person is defining a certain word. The motivation here is to understand, not to demand or direct the conversation.
4 — Use open questions
Ask questions that allow the person to speak more, such as “How do you feel about …?”
5 — Be attentively silent
Stay focused and give that person time to talk.
6 — Avoid pseudoquestions
Don’t ask questions that are not earnest and often have an answer to them, such as “Is it safe to do that?”
Listening certainly takes practice and effort, but the authors remind us that it is all worth it as “most of the time you don’t talk your way into good relationships — you listen your way into them.”
